Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Just this preview of the story is enough
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers