Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
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Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.