The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?