today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
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[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
And then there were 4
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?