The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
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Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job