I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.