If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
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DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg