Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
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[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I hope it’s French Onion!
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.