If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.