If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
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The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
This guy gets it.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.