We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
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My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Feel. He’s so soft.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I don’t make the rules sorry
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994