Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to