My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl