Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
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“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.