I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
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God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn