Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.