My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
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If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Guantanamo Bae
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Huge, if true.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”