ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
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Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids