SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
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RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.