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If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back