* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
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I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
😂💯
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Mmmm. Shoeshi
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]