Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
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One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[eats all your cotton candy]
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
haha same
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later