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Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
If only
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents