cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
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When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice