Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
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I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.