I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
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I thought this was funny lol
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.