JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
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I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”