He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
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doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet