People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
You can’t rush stupid.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?