Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
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[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
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