We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
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Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
birds and squirrels envy us
Sending in my taxes
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.