THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
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The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?