I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back