“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
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I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Good news
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Doctors texting each other.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.