I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
#milo
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Unimpressed
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search