*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
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My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
nobody’s gonna understand
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.