I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
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*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.