*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
These work great until they don’t.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.