Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
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Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The symmetry is uncanny.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side