I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
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‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
absolute chaos
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Good advice.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough