ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
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One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome