My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer