if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
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Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
that’s really how it is
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks