“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
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Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
No regrets in 2018
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Unexpected Judgment
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it