hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
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it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Put my back out twerking in the library again
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.