I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
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Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
#dalle2
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]