If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
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Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
black phone good
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google