Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
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Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.