GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
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Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.