A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
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Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?